Opening negotiations
13 May 2008 by Steph
Dear Yankee offense,
Hi. It’s Steph. We haven’t spoken in a while…certainly not much this season. Why is that? I’m beginning to ponder your existence.
You see, I haven’t seen much of you around this year, and you won’t respond to my cries for runs. I’m worried about you. Countless numbers of you have been shattered so far this season. Yes, the Yankees have lost some of their big boppers in Posada and A-Rod, but that doesn’t mean that all of you can cry your wooden hearts to sleep over it! You need to try to pick each other up. Take out your sadness and anger on the pitches that the opponents are throwing…and don’t swing at the first pitch. That tends to get you into trouble.
Alas, I have not lost faith in you yet…but it’s getting harder to deny George Berkeley’s philosophy that if something cannot be seen, it cannot exist…much as I detest the man. Please, prove him wrong. I am in dire need of my sanity. Remember how we were last June? July? August? You need to return to those wonderful days.
Perhaps there is another solution to your absence in my life for the past month and a half. Hath you been taken for ransom? To whom must the poor Yankee fans pay this undoubtedly high fee to in order to see your return? Everyone in Yankeeland is worried about you. We want your safe return.
Or maybe you’re stuck in a coma? Trust me when I say that there is nothing better than a few hard-hit balls that don’t find a fielder’s glove to help to revive you! Want to know what would be even better, though? Stringing a couple of hits together. I don’t want to ask too much too soon, but you could even think of doing that with…gasp…runners in scoring position.
I really miss you, dear Yankee lumber. I miss the bombs that you used to blast, earning you the name of Bronx Bombers. I miss those nights where I’d get to watch you sparkle under those blinding lights at Yankee Stadium. I miss those cold days that could be warmed up with a tater or two. I miss every bit of you, Yankee offense.
Please respond soon, for your health and my own. I eagerly await your response. Probably a bit too eagerly. But please, hurry anyway. I want to see those happy days again.
I hope to be singing your praises soon,
Steph
